The Lackluster Oscars

So, the Oscars didn’t disappoint those loony left liberals last night.  Jimmy Kimmel hosted the 2017 Oscars.  In his opening monologue, he got right to the point and got, well,  . . .  political.

Justin Timberlake opened with a great performance.  The song of the summer is now the song of the Oscars. opening with a lively performance of his song “Can’t Stop the Feeling” from Trolls, the chart-topping single nominated for Best Original Song.

At the start of his monologue, Kimmel reminded us that the Oscars were streaming live “to over 225 countries that now hate us.  I think that is an amazing thing“.   Kimmel then continued to blab that he was urged to say something in his monologue about uniting the great division in our country.  Of course, he was not going to unite and either was the one braveheart in the room, Mel Gibson, who is nominated again this year for his new film “Hacksaw Ridge”.   He went on to add that he thought the Scientology was working for Mel, because he looked so great.

“There are millions of people watching right now . . . and if you all took a minute to reach out to one person you disagree with, someone you like, and have a positive, considerate conversation, not as liberals or conservatives, but as Americans.  If you can all do that, maybe we can make America great again,”  Kimmel said to a rousing applause.  Wasn’t that Trump’s line?

But just as quickly he turns his attention to Matt Damon to “bury the hatchet” and reach out to him.   “Matt did something very unselfish . . . ” Kimmel then continued to rib Matt Damon before making fun of the actor’s choice to pass up a starring role in “Manchester by the Sea” only to star in a “Chinese ponytail movie instead and that movie, The Great Wall, which went on to lose $80 million.  Smooth move dumbass.   See, it’s so easy to just reach out and heal.”  That’s what I call burying the hatchet.

Kimmel then got chuckles from the audience proclaiming, “I want to thank President Trump tonight.  I mean remember when last year it seemed like the Oscars were racist?”  (loud applause)

Probably his most gifted articulation was his take that “black people saved NASA and white people saved Jazz.  That’s what you call progress”.

Kimmel then teased French actress and nominee Isabelle Huppert.  “We all have friends and colleagues from all over the world tonight.   And on behalf of everyone here, we didn’t see ‘Elle,’ but we absolutely loved it, you were amazing in the that film and I’m glad Homeland Security let you in tonight, I really am.”

“We are welcoming to outsiders here in Hollywood.  We don’t discriminate on people based on what country they are from, we discriminate against them based on their age and weight.  Andrew Garfield lost 40 lbs. tonight for his role in the movie Silence.”

Kimmel then went on to finish his monologue,

“We are here tonight to honor great actors.  But we are also here to honor the actors who seem great, but actually really aren’t.  From all the “great actors” (quotes) here in Hollywood, one in particular has stood the test of time for her many uninspiring and over-rated performances.”  (cut to Meryl Streep burying her head into her husband’s shoulder, while he has this smug, disgusting look on his face.  All while in routy applause by the audience).

“May I say from her earlier mediocre work in the Deer Hunter and Out of Africa, to her underwhelming performances in Kramer vs. Kramer and Sofie’s Choice, Meryl Streep has phoned it in for more than 50 films over the course of her lack-luster career.  This is Meryl’s 20th Oscar nomination . . . “

“Even more amazing considering the fact that she wasn’t even in a movie this year, we just wrote her name down out of habit.”  He then asked Meryl to stand up for a standing ovation.

“Everybody, please join me in giving Meryl Streep a totally undeserved round of applause, will you.  The highly over-rated Meryl Streep everyone. (Standing ovation)  We’re gonna have fun tonight.  I hope we’re gonna have fun tonight (Isn’t that a Wang Chung lyric?).  Nice dress by the way , is that an Ivanka?” (More laughter)

“It’s important to take a moment and appreciate what is happening here.  We are at the Oscars, the Academy Awards.  You’re nominated.  You got to come.  Your families are nominated.  Some of you will get to come up on the stage tonight and give a speech that the President of the United States will tweet about in all CAPS during his 5 am bowel movement tomorrow.  And I think that is pretty darn excellent if you ask me.”

So let’s get to it . . . And this is where I turned off the Oscars and got some well deserved sleep . . .

 

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